Magic 8 Ball

It’s amazing the kind of clarity that comes from a night talking with a friend–the kind of friend that knows you so well that you feel they really “get” who you are at your very core, who always looks out for you when you forget to look out for yourself, and that calls you out on some things that you need to hear. A night spent with the kind of friend that phrases their thoughts of your flaws in such a way that you know it’s not meant to hurt, but to heal. It is clarity I desperately needed for 2016; it is a reminder that I have too often been living in the past. I’ve been bogged down with memories of times that cannot and WILL not ever exist for me again. I’ve been in love with the ghosts of time gone by. I haven’t been able to see a future for myself with anyone because my mind is always looking backward. I keep regressing, traveling back for pieces of myself that I’ll never have again–forever leaving possibilities open. I’m holding myself back, and I refuse to do it any longer. The door is mentally slammed on ANY romantic relationships that occurred prior to this very moment. In fact, this is the last time I write about any of those non-existent dudes. Good luck and good riddance, ya know? Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. My friend reminded me that I am a good catch….but I need to be open to FUTURE possibilities and NEW people. When you hear advice from someone you consider your family, of course you take it. He’s right. Closing old doors and sealing them forever is going to help me heal fully and be a better person, perhaps a person someone could fall in love with and build a lasting relationship with.
For a long time, I’ve been making a mental list of things that are important to me in someone I’d marry, but I’ve never really put a voice to it because I was always just kind of afraid that it might not happen for me. Even if it doesn’t, I think it’s important for accountability purposes that I just write it down for myself. These things are in no particular order. 
 I’ll know he’s the right man for me when I’m the only woman he can see. He will have proverbial blinders on to anyone else….I mean, I’m sure he’ll recognize a hottie when he sees one, but I’m the only one he will choose to be with. He’ll choose me every day, even when my range of moods changes every 10 minutes. I’ll know he’s right when I’m not absolutely terrified that it’s going to fail….and I’ll know he’s right when I don’t want to run. He’ll support my latest crazy scheme and I’ll support his football team, even if it isn’t the same as mine. He WILL be a football fan. He will be a Christian. Most of all, he’ll treat me as a partner and let me in on the big decisions he’s facing. He’ll be open with me about his dreams and doubts and I will listen when he needs to vent. He will be unfailingly funny in the times when I have forgotten how to laugh, and I will do the same for him. I’ll know he loves me no matter what incarnation of myself he’s dealing with. He will be playful and have a talent for witty banter. He’ll support me on my PCOS journey and exercise with me whether I’m feeling motivated or not–we’ll motivate each other to be the best versions of ourselves, but we’ll love each other just the way we are. At the end of the day he’ll wrap me in his arms, kiss my forehead, and I’ll know I’m home.
I don’t know who he is really–he may not be any of those things–but for the first time in so very long, I’m imagining he exists.

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