Sometimes it’s necessary to cut people out of our lives. It’s not because we hate them or wish a thousand plagues on them, but because we value our own mental state. When someone treats your friendship as if it’s a revolving door that they can come in and out of whenever they want, sometimes you have to lock that door. When you’re friends with or date a narcissist, the best way to assure that you don’t get mentally damaged forever is to go NO CONTACT. Cut all ties.
This week has been emotionally taxing for me. I’m definitely going through the 5 stages of grief on a rotation. I AM sad. I lost a friend. We’d been on and off friends for a long time. I passed “denial” a long time ago…..it looked something like “Surely he wouldn’t treat ME like that? His friend since we were twelve?” Then came anger. “That mother trucker has ignored me for the last time!! What an absolute ever-living asshat!!!” Bargaining was a brief phase. “Dear God, if he’s supposed to be in my life just send me a sign. No, not that sign. Not that one either. Or that. A real sign, Lord.” Depression just looked like silent tears. Acceptance is me writing this blog.
You see, I loved my friend as a whole. However, you can’t ever tell who a narcissist REALLY is. A narcissist is whoever they think you need them to be, because they want to capture your attention. They have incredible perceptive abilities and can read you like a book. Once they figure you out, they’ll say whatever you need to hear to ensnare you. So while my feelings were real, I don’t know that his ever were. I honestly probably didn’t really know him at all. Dealing with the narcissist while they “prey” on you is fine during that phase when they’re trying to win you over, but what happens when they’ve caught you?
From my experience, they get bored easily and make the fact that they’re bored your fault. They’ve caught you, so you’re no fun anymore. They begin to actively look for someone else. They begin to slowly and methodically shut you out. They ignore you and purposely put you down without any explanation. You begin to feel that there is something wrong with you and that you’ll never be good enough. It begins to dismantle your self-esteem, and before you know it you become a person you don’t recognize.
In my case, the narcissist shut me out at that point and began dating the next “conquest.” I was broken and mourned for him for months until finally I began to recover. Then they broke up and he contacted me again. Everything was fine—until she came back into his life, so I was shut out again for several years. YEARS. I was fully recovered and in fine form. In April 2016 he contacted me AGAIN and apologized for how he handled things and said he wanted to be back in my life. And, boom, I fell for it again.
This time he didn’t dismantle me. I recognized the bullshit for what it was. On Monday he unfriended me on Facebook for no apparent reason, and I thought “here we go again,” so I sent him a message that said as such and that he shouldn’t contact me ever again. Then I said at least one nice thing and followed it with goodbye. I blocked him on Facebook, Snapchat, and my phone, followed by unfriending members of his family. I was sad about the last part as I really loved his mom—I think she’s great. I’ll reiterate: I don’t hate him, his family, or even the girl he always left me for back in the day. I’m just better than he ever let me be or feel.
Someday I’ll be fully healed again. Someday it’ll be okay—just not today.